Focus on me

Neville,

This year I'm focusing on me. I know I have said this before in my other letters but this time, I am serious. And as such, I have already made some big changes. The thing I'm really focusing on is not worrying anymore. This is my new mantra. My #1 rule. So yes, no more worrying about the small stuff that tends to nibbles away at your spirit and peace of mind.

I'm glad for you.....

This goes especially for my internet love life which has of late become a bit of a joke. I give so much of myself and there is very little return. Why are men like this? Always playing ego games? Especially after the age of 40? It is a mystery to me. When I meet someone new, I  naturally laid it all out on the table, you know? I show all my cards. I will tell you what I want because I don't have time to play games anymore. After 40, you just don't have time to slowly peel the onion and reveal all the layers.

People tend to lead more complex, layered lives at this age.....Perhaps you need to take that into account? Besides, saying all men are like this is a little bit diminutive, don't you think?....This kind of blanket opinion might actually be limiting you...... 

Anyway, in my experience all men are like this at this age. There is something about ageing that makes them more emotionally selfish and remote.

Yeah....well that could be said of most people over forty....

They play these elaborate games with you. It becomes very demoralising at times. I have many, many stories of woe from over the past couple of years. I won't go into detail, unearthing all those humiliating stories. Needless to say, I give 100 percent of myself time and time again. I do this because this is the way I am: naturally generous to a fault. For me, getting to know someone involves giving myself over to them. Maybe I am too generous? Too giving?

That's one way of putting it....

But as I say, I have chosen to opt out of the whole circus for the time being and focus on my own needs. So that is where I stand.

What else? Oh...I have just gone through the whole Xanax-hypnotherapy-quitting smoking thing, which was harrowing, to say the least. I'm very proud of myself for making it. It was not easy. There were many uneasy moments when I felt that facing the day without a cigarette was like living someone else's life. But I know it was time. And that I would have the strength of character to do it.

You are a strong-willed person. No doubt about that.....

I also decided enough was enough with the stand-up comedy classes. I realised that once again, it was a case of giving too much of myself. Somewhere along the line, it became an exhausting amount of work. With comedy, you need to mine your life for material, shaping and polishing up this material and then go out on stage and essentially make people laugh at your expense. It is a form of self-flagellation in order to bring happiness to someone's life.

Maybe it's more about finding some universal truth that is humorous....having a shared experience....

I had a few attempts to go on stage. My fellow amateur comedians, who were always encouraging me, said that I could take it to the next level and make a career out of my comedy, but I feel there comes a point where you must be realistic about what drives you. And what kind of person you are. From time to time, you must looked at yourself in the mirror and in all honesty you must ask yourself, am I truly a funny person? I mean people have always said I'm funny in a cerebral kind of way but is this direction I want to take my life in?

If we're speaking honestly here, I would never have described you as a funny person. Not naturally funny......

In the end, I decided comedy was only ever going to be a hobby for me. A form of public therapy. And of course, a way of entertaining people by sharing my unique perspective on life. Part of the problem was that...what I think of as 'funny' was completely different to many other people's sense of humour. In other words, I have a very unique sense of humour. I'd unintentionally say things that people thought were hilarious. And I'd have no idea why. And surely part of the process of being a successful comedian is being able to identify what is essentially funny to other people every time. In this regard, even though the audience was not exactly in stitches, I view my experiences on stage as a great personal success.

This is what I have always said about you, Kylie.....You have the unique ability to turn any situation around...no matter how shit...so that you 'learn' something from it.....  

Besides which, I needed to take care of other aspects of my life now. My finances are in a dreadful state. I found a man to do my taxes and it turned out I owed some horror amount of back taxes to government. This is what happens when you ignore you taxes for five years. You know I have never been good with money. I was in such a state when the accountant presented me with the total bill. But then I talked to this accountant man a little longer, his voice very soothing, and he calmed me down. He was very kind and reassuring. He was ugly as sin, like a toad in a gaudy, shiny suit but he had this inner confidence radiated out and put me at ease. He had a big belly and he wore jewellery (I can't abide men who wear things like Roman coin set in chunky rings).

You can't 'abide men'. You sound like.....I don't know....a refugee from a gothic southern novel. In this way you are hilarious.....

He told me about his life, that he'd lived for many years in Hong Kong, in Dubai, that he enjoyed golf and that he drove some kind of impressive car. He enjoyed food and travelling. It was difficult to pin down: there was just something about the way he talked, the way he used language, the way he took command of the situation. Of my situation. We had sex in his grubby little office beneath a stained drop ceiling, his little diploma hanging on the wall. I'm not ashamed to say it. This happened in the middle of the day. Not once, but three times! Jimmy (strange when man has a little boy's name) was very persuasive.

Oh god. Don't you have a girlfriend to share this stuff with? I don't know...I don't let my wife see all these letters because it makes my life easier.....do you understand?....What I'm saying is....I don't think we have the level of intimacy required to share this kind of personal information anymore.... 

He was definitely not "my type" but sometimes you have no choice but to go with what is counter to your normal inclinations and that can make things more interesting. Well, take you for example. I mean, when I first saw you, I thought no way but then we ended up together for 3 years. Anyway, I know I can tell you about these things. I always valued how nonjudgmental you are. With you, there was never any jealousy or wasted emotion.

Again, in the spirit of honesty, I gotta tell you....I closed off. I shut down because....well....I was a wimp and it was easier that way. Besides, we really only had a relationship for a year and a half....the rest of it was endlessly discussing your feelings.....

My accountant friend 'Jimmy' did have a wife whom he didn't like very much. This detail was not my problem. He said he was the kind of man who always needed new, challenging women in his life. He told me that was it. The whole truth. "This is me", he said, touching the place where his heart resided beneath his impressively hairy chest. "I give you the true Jimmy," he said dramatically. I appreciated that.

Again, please stop thinking of me as you confident....I don't want to hurt your feelings but you need to realise this..... 

As I said, we met up in his office three, actually four times. Each time I would promise myself that this would be the last time, no more physical stuff, but Jimmy would start talking, purring in my ear, putting me at ease, giving me advice first about my financial situation. And before I knew it, there would be a message thrown in. "No extra charge" and his hands would be kneading my shoulders and my neck, and he would be saying, "There is too much tension here". And I would say "yes, oh yes, so much tension", and then my brassiere would be...well you can imagine the rest.

Maybe you should write female erotic?.....A genre of fiction I am not really a fan of.....

One evening I came in the office just as another woman was leaving, a woman about my age. I had a strong suspicion that she had received the same special treatment I had. I could just tell. She looked relaxed. It occurred to me that randy old Jimmy must really cleaned up during tax time with all these middle-aged single women like me dropping into his office. I wondered how much viagra he needed? For a man his age, he had no difficulties below his Armani belt buckle. So I decided to leave it at that. To extract myself from his little stable. Even the ones who tell it to you straight always have some other angle. As I said, very disheartening. I thought Jimmy was better than that.

Thank god for that.....I don't want to say you court disaster but....you know....you kind of do.....

I know how you will react to this. I can practically hear your voice as I write this. I'm in Brisbane as we speak. I'm here for three days visiting my mother and I have a bit free time so I thought I write. And I'm sure like always, you will probably pull apart this letter and answer it in your typically efficient way, diving it up into sections and adding in your comments.

Correct.....

Which is fine, I suppose. Actually, no it's not....I have been meaning to ask you for maybe a different kind of response. I feel that your contribution to our conversation over the years has become a bit too functional. A bit too like something you are required to do, as opposed to something you want to do.

I think you might be on to something here.....

And believe me, yours is a perspective which I really value. Please write back when you can. Sooner rather than later.

Okay....So this is new....you're dictating the terms of when I should write back? How often...wow....I am really blown away.....

It would be great to hear from you in...maybe no less than two weeks? Any longer, I forget what we were talking about. Maybe you could begin a letter today?

Sure thing Kylie. I'll start this right now....but I need you to take something onboard....I mean really absorb it....we might have to suspend this letter writing business from now on....I think it would be healthy for both of us....I think you are exceptional person but I need to focus my energies on other things....my wife, my kids, my career....I don't want this to sound unduly harsh but it's time we really parted ways....to use something you said earlier on, I need to focus on me.  

speak soon,

Probably not....