Target audience

Dear Vincent,

Hello mate! How are you? I'm driving Uber in Sydney. The money is very good compared to home. I'm talking to many Australians about football, global resilient minerals and resources economy, elevated cost of living and real estate. I am seeing many different parts of the city. Eastern suburbs, Bondi Beach, harbour bridge. 

Australians are good people. Good but soft. They have had easy history. They have never seen black columns of smoke or heard gun in street. Pop, pop, pop. They only see Kalashnikov in movie. I am not blaming them for this I am just stating fact. If you say to me, Elia take choice between peaceful history with beach and Vegemite or my childhood, with civil war, I would say peaceful history! Of course! Who want fucked up memory like that? I am glad my children will grow up here and that only time they use gun will be in online computer game. (My wife Camilla is not approving this because she does not like lifelike arterial spray and other graphic violence. I am thinking it is just part of kids' life now: play war on sofa using gaming console in safe, lucky country. If they don't do this in our house, they will go to their friends and play same game there so what is difference?) 

Anyway life is good here Australia. Slow and peaceful. Air and water is clean. Hospitals have minimal patients waiting in corridor. Meat raffle in soldier club. When I have break-which is whatever I want because I am boss making my own schedule-I am playing chess in Hyde Park. We use large plastic pieces. There is regular group of guys there. We play under Morton bay figs trees. Rudy is little Malaysia man with big heart. Michael is Australian university scholar. Dennis is Englishman-an advertising guy making ads for side of buses. Life insurance and teeth whitening. Frank is waiter in an expensive restaurant in the city. White linen table cloth and many eating implements like for doctor operating on filet mignon. Marcus is homosexual guy who is very 'flamboyant'. (I am learning 5 new words every day. I am writing down new words in my book to improve vocabulary). I know you are thinking...homosexual? Elia is mate with homosexual?!! Believe me man, Marcus is nice guy. He has hard time in his life because of orientation and coming from small Australian town full of a-holes. Anyway now he is now in liberal city, home of rainbow parade and he is woman in relationship with bald lawyer. Both are good guys. Is gym, laughing and cocktail happy hour. Marcus is excellent chess player. And there are others. Most are advanced players and therefore good for keeping my game sharp. 

There is also Brian who lives in the bushes with dirty ibis. Brian who picks up cigarette butts off ground. Brian who is advanced player as well but a world class a-hole. He always has running commentary from the nearby pigeon shit bench, shouting, 'Man what have you done this move for?' and 'Are you blind or just fucking stupid?' and 'I am watching amateurs here.'. Last week, when Brian was drinking too much VB, when he would not shut up for the entire game, I have nearly taken bottle to him but I managed to control myself. It is not worth legal 'ramifications' (new word). Instead I pick up bottle, pour out VB and say, now what you do little man? He is freaking out, making promise of pain for making puddle out of his beer. I wait for fist or head-butt but there is nothing. Shouting and word of violence but nothing. Like I thought: if the steel is not made hard in fire, then steel is soft.

Anyway I will phone ahead, book in an afternoon game with Rudy to reduce waiting time. My game is now better. I am taking more time to develop material and think through moves. Like Chernev. Like Kramnick. Like Bobby Fisher. As I am saying, these guys in the park are advanced. They know game very well. Inside and outside. They have strong openings, good advancement of material and deadly end game. They make only one or two mistake. When they do make mistake, some get angry. (Not angry like Brian but still too angry). I do not like to show angry emotion when I am playing. It is not good to be swearing and spitting and growling at Japanese tourist who watch us. At dumb hipster guys with farm worker beard making too cool for school pictures with instagram account. It is not good to be angry. Besides you are never knowing, there are many beautiful girls sunbathing in park and it is good to keep cool head. 

Australian women are very beautiful and I have found many opportunities in this same park for conversation and sex. sometimes I will pick up lady in the car and the conversation will be very good. I will put wedding ring in glove compartment or in pocket. And sometimes I will stop with lady at hotel. It is easy. Near airport is good. Hotel at Rushcutter's Bay is good. In CBD is okay but expensive. Sometimes in short term car park with foggy windows and bouncing rear suspension. You would be surprised how many times. They all say same thing: ladies like my 'sad eyes' and my accent. They are liking my hairy chest and strong hands. I will not make argument with this. Homosexual Marcus is saying, flaunt it baby, as he moves rook to take queen in deadly end game. 

I am also taking sex dates on tinder. Coffee or pub and then hotel room. Sometimes outer suburb for married lady. This is like gay dating for straight guy. Hello? Yes. Good to meet you. Then quick boom boom, no strings. Is good time. One woman is giving me 120 dollars in hotel room after, when we get dressed. I say what is this? She is saying, it is for sex. I am saying, why you pay me? She is looking confused and saying, for the sex? She is leaving Elia in room alone. Okay. I am looking down at plastic Australian money in hand, and I am thinking, now I am mercenary of love. Uber driving and uber sex.

And then I am meeting Jennifer. She is wealthy lady in porn business. After sex in Darlinghurst, she is giving me money and business card. She is telling me I should be in porn movie. I think about it and I am saying sure, why not? Only two days to shoot in the Blue Mountains. I am telling Camilla that I am taking important customer to Canberra. Over night job for good cash. Sleep in hotel on road. Shooting location is farm with fields and a barn. Area is rolling green and misty, very beautiful. It is smelling of cow shit. Crows are saying caw, caw from tree tops. I am meeting main porno actresses. One is blond with big boobs and the other is brown hair. With big boobs. I thinking okay, lucky Elia, this will be good. We are putting on costume from old convict times. Potato sack pants and shirt with wooden buttons. Very authentic. I am given script. I am saying, for what is script? This is porno movie. I am noticing there are many scenes for me to be naked but with no porn actresses. Also script is too long, with many words I must say like...I don't know, like line from old English novel. 

We do first scene. Is boring. Then finally there is first real sex scene in barn. The director is saying, "more cunnilingus. Keep going! More!" My jaw is getting tired, little muscles are like loose rubber band. I am saying alphabet many times. I am working little man in boat like in crazy storm. I am thinking, when will we have real porn sex? Like in European hardcore porn movie? Jennifer, who is main producer, is saying to me, this is porn for ladies. I am confused. Lady porn for ladies? All porn is for ladies. For ladies doing DP. For ladies doing anal. For ladies in three-way. For ladies with strap-on. For lady on lady. She is saying no! This is porn movie for ladies. She is saying I must be smouldering. I must be like hurt little boy with six pack and monster member. I must fulfil lady needs. This is why all the talking, talking, talking. As Jennifer is saying, 90 percent foreplay and only 10 percent boom boom. I am thinking why? For who would like this? Jennifer is rolling eyes and saying, ladies are target audience. How many times do I have to tell you Elia? Just follow script. 

Okay, okay fine. I am in submission but I still don’t understand. This is strange way to make adult porno movie. Anyway I am cooperating and I am doing scenes. I am 'in character'. There is sex in barn with 'beams of dusty golden light falling across a bed of hay in the loft' (like words in script). In farm house on 'luxurious rug surround by candles and bathed in the warm glow given off by the crackling fire'. In field with 'brooding, tormented sky overhead'. By river 'forging across landscape'. Many words. All foreplay. Lots of talking, talking, talking. Using rough hands on silky body. I must smoulder. Smoulder in doorway. Smoulder at window. In European porn movies usually man actor is just prop for lady to get jiggy. This is different. Director is saying, okay now close up on Elia. Make face of passion Elia. I am saying, okay, okay. Smoulder, smoulder. All time there is no anal. I am doing blonde porn actress then brown hair porn actress. Dog style, mission, cowgirl reverse and face. Then blonde and brown hair together. Then money shot. Still no anal. In last scene I must wave goodbye as lady porn actresses ride away on 'muscular steeds'. And cut! Finished. I am driving back to Sydney in uber. I am listening to music and eating 'best pie in world' from road side pie shop. Window is open and 1970's classic desert rock play list is loud.

15 hundred direct deposit in account. Nice! After this, I forget about porn movie for maybe four...no five months. Then I am sad because one of Camilla's friends is seeing lady porn movie online and she tells Camilla. Why is your husband in adult movie for ladies? She is asking. There is big fight in kitchen. Sauce pan is travelling at my head like fucking missile. (Sauce pan is leaving dent in wall). I am having no excuse because evidence is 'irrefutable' (new word). 

I am in doghouse. It is sad and lonely in doghouse. I am sleeping in uber and sometimes at Rudy's house in Punchbowl suburb. I am shaving in traffic. Customer is saying, you need to take a shower mate. I am saying, I am in doghouse brother. I am crying at red light. Customer is saying, Jesus Christ man you need to get your shit together. Elia's driver rating is going down. I am pleading with Camilla. I am on knees on front step. I am slowly making amends and slowly I am allowed back in house with many new rules. Elia must earn trust again. Will take time. Things are going to change around here, is what Camilla is saying. 

We are seeing marriage Counsellor. Counsellor is Henry. Henry is like fifty year old man in twenty-six year old body. Henry has personality of old root vegetable. 'How does that make you feel?' is reoccurring question from Henry's mouth. For what? Dumb question. Everyone is feeling like shit. Everyone is in 24 hour parade of shit misery Henry. 

This is one for the books, says Henry when Camilla is telling him about lady porn movie. He is making little smile and shake of head. I am saying (inside head) thank you Henry for benefit of amazing training and insight. Fifty dollars for hour with Henry. There are many tissues. Cry, shout, cry. Elia is looking at carpet, saying sorry, sorry, sorry. "Sorry" is on infinite replay. 

After many weeks I am slowly allowed out of dog house and back into human house. I am driving in uber past park, keeping eyes on road. No backpacker girls, no office chicks. When lady comes in uber, I am keeping ring on. Hello, where you go to? Have a nice day...this is all. No panties in mirror, no smouldering eyes. No short term parking. I am keeping it real. But for how long is question? Is hard to say. Is short life for living but long life for only one woman. 

Is problem, no?   

до свидания прекрасный друг