Hello,
When Sophia died I was completely devastated. The whole family was. It was so senseless. We flew her body back to Sydney from the US. We intended to have the funeral here. She was to be cremated and we decided to scatter the ashes into the sea. Although we'd never talked about it, I felt that's what she would have wanted. The grief was...indescribable. It was a feeling that I knew would always be there, for the rest of my life. It might diminish (I'm sure it will) but it will always be there, this fucked up feeling, waiting to greet me at the start of each day. People kept trying to commiserate, saying they understood my loss. How could they? They hadn't lost an identical twin. “I understand what you are going through”, they kept on saying. It didn't help. In fact, it was a ridiculous thing to say. Mainly it was some of mum's friends. You know how they get. They're lives are so empty they are always in search of a new drama they can use in their own gossip. They wanted all the gory details. It was grotesque. Anyway, mum, was a mess and dad had kind of blanked out as usual. He didn't say a word. Encapsulated by this grief and these emotional vampires, I was starting to feel quite claustrophobic. I didn't know what to do.
One of her friends from the States comes over for the funeral. A man named Niles Ross. I didn't think anything of it. She had many friends in the US. She'd been living there illegally for 8 years and out of the two of us, Sophia was the more assertive, the most extrovert. I could never have led her kind of life. That is a funny thing for a twin to say, especially seeing as how, when we were kids, we used to swap places to freak other people out. Anyway, this Niles guy was nice enough. A gentlemen. Nicely dressed. A bit of character. He wanted to help out in any way he could. That's what he said. He bought flowers for the funeral. He helped mum down the stairs. He hung around long after everyone was gone and helped clean up. Mum was charmed by him. After the funeral, Niles said he was going to hang around for a while. He took me out to dinner. A few days later out to lunch. I was sort of enjoying being taken care of during all this emotional turmoil. Niles was insightful and intelligent. It was good talking to someone who wasn’t part of my daily life. And it was good not having to listen to other peoples’ interpretation of my grief. But then I started feeling kind of obligated to him. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it was because of his connection to Sophia. Or because he'd come half way around the world to ‘help out’. He talked a lot about Sophia. About what she had been doing over the past couple of years: the bartending and her acting classes. Her dog. He was always polite. He always commented on the resemblance between us.
Anyway, for a while, it was good having someone around who obviously cared about Sophia. But then, there came a point where I needed to start getting on with my life. When I asked Niles what his plans were, went he going back to the US, he said, 'Oh, I might hang around here. I like Sydney.' I thought, okay. That's weird but whatever. And then, as time began to pass, he kept on calling me and dropping by unannounced. Just showing up on my doorstep. It starts to become a bit oppressive. Then he started me emailing me. I need to talk to you, he would say. Let’s get together. All he wanted to do was get together and talk about is Sophia. Eventually, I begin to think about this situation a bit more objectively. Here was is a…45? 46? year old man who had such a keen interest in and inside knowledge of my sister's life. I know Sophia was open minded, that she had all kinds of friends but the more I get to know Niles, the more I think she would never be friends with someone like him. Beneath all the grand gestures and exaggerated manors, there is just something....desperate and clawing about this guy. It's like the more you push away from him, the more he clings on to you. The more he wants. I know my sister and I can honestly say I can’t see what she would have had in common with this guy.
Eventually, I emailed one of Sophia's friends back in the US. What's the deal with this Niles guy? I ask. The friend replies, who? They have never heard of a Niles. Okay, so maybe they didn't know Niles. I email another friend. And then another. I email all of her friends. And it was always the same story. No one ever heard of this Niles guy. None of Sophia's friends: close or casual. Understandably it starts to freak me out. The police say no crime has been committed, what do you want us to do? I can see their point. So what am I supposed to do?
In writing this down for you Niles, spelling it out, you must be able to see how your behaviour has given me cause for concern? How nothing you have told me so far makes any sense. I mean nothing checks out. There is the real world which is populated by people whose stories coincide to varying degrees and then there is your world. Which seems to be an elaborate fantasy centred around my sister. I don't owe you anything Niles. If I see you at my parents’ house again I'll take steps to protect my family. In fact, when the concierge hands this letter to you, when you read it, I want you to understand that I have taken steps to protect myself. From you.
Annika
When Sophia died I was completely devastated. The whole family was. It was so senseless. We flew her body back to Sydney from the US. We intended to have the funeral here. She was to be cremated and we decided to scatter the ashes into the sea. Although we'd never talked about it, I felt that's what she would have wanted. The grief was...indescribable. It was a feeling that I knew would always be there, for the rest of my life. It might diminish (I'm sure it will) but it will always be there, this fucked up feeling, waiting to greet me at the start of each day. People kept trying to commiserate, saying they understood my loss. How could they? They hadn't lost an identical twin. “I understand what you are going through”, they kept on saying. It didn't help. In fact, it was a ridiculous thing to say. Mainly it was some of mum's friends. You know how they get. They're lives are so empty they are always in search of a new drama they can use in their own gossip. They wanted all the gory details. It was grotesque. Anyway, mum, was a mess and dad had kind of blanked out as usual. He didn't say a word. Encapsulated by this grief and these emotional vampires, I was starting to feel quite claustrophobic. I didn't know what to do.
One of her friends from the States comes over for the funeral. A man named Niles Ross. I didn't think anything of it. She had many friends in the US. She'd been living there illegally for 8 years and out of the two of us, Sophia was the more assertive, the most extrovert. I could never have led her kind of life. That is a funny thing for a twin to say, especially seeing as how, when we were kids, we used to swap places to freak other people out. Anyway, this Niles guy was nice enough. A gentlemen. Nicely dressed. A bit of character. He wanted to help out in any way he could. That's what he said. He bought flowers for the funeral. He helped mum down the stairs. He hung around long after everyone was gone and helped clean up. Mum was charmed by him. After the funeral, Niles said he was going to hang around for a while. He took me out to dinner. A few days later out to lunch. I was sort of enjoying being taken care of during all this emotional turmoil. Niles was insightful and intelligent. It was good talking to someone who wasn’t part of my daily life. And it was good not having to listen to other peoples’ interpretation of my grief. But then I started feeling kind of obligated to him. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it was because of his connection to Sophia. Or because he'd come half way around the world to ‘help out’. He talked a lot about Sophia. About what she had been doing over the past couple of years: the bartending and her acting classes. Her dog. He was always polite. He always commented on the resemblance between us.
Anyway, for a while, it was good having someone around who obviously cared about Sophia. But then, there came a point where I needed to start getting on with my life. When I asked Niles what his plans were, went he going back to the US, he said, 'Oh, I might hang around here. I like Sydney.' I thought, okay. That's weird but whatever. And then, as time began to pass, he kept on calling me and dropping by unannounced. Just showing up on my doorstep. It starts to become a bit oppressive. Then he started me emailing me. I need to talk to you, he would say. Let’s get together. All he wanted to do was get together and talk about is Sophia. Eventually, I begin to think about this situation a bit more objectively. Here was is a…45? 46? year old man who had such a keen interest in and inside knowledge of my sister's life. I know Sophia was open minded, that she had all kinds of friends but the more I get to know Niles, the more I think she would never be friends with someone like him. Beneath all the grand gestures and exaggerated manors, there is just something....desperate and clawing about this guy. It's like the more you push away from him, the more he clings on to you. The more he wants. I know my sister and I can honestly say I can’t see what she would have had in common with this guy.
Eventually, I emailed one of Sophia's friends back in the US. What's the deal with this Niles guy? I ask. The friend replies, who? They have never heard of a Niles. Okay, so maybe they didn't know Niles. I email another friend. And then another. I email all of her friends. And it was always the same story. No one ever heard of this Niles guy. None of Sophia's friends: close or casual. Understandably it starts to freak me out. The police say no crime has been committed, what do you want us to do? I can see their point. So what am I supposed to do?
In writing this down for you Niles, spelling it out, you must be able to see how your behaviour has given me cause for concern? How nothing you have told me so far makes any sense. I mean nothing checks out. There is the real world which is populated by people whose stories coincide to varying degrees and then there is your world. Which seems to be an elaborate fantasy centred around my sister. I don't owe you anything Niles. If I see you at my parents’ house again I'll take steps to protect my family. In fact, when the concierge hands this letter to you, when you read it, I want you to understand that I have taken steps to protect myself. From you.
Annika
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